okay, so I think I’ve figured it out:
i am a man, and although I think differently,
it seems that I still am part wolf.
otherwise I have run out of ideas.
evidence being that a wolf
will bellow or snap or snarl
or show his teeth
mostly cause he doesn’t understand/is confused.
that is how I feel when I do
aforementioned wolf things
not a werewolf, those are a figment
i am a true shape-shifter
a real house-wolf
a confused boy when I snap out of
wolf-mode.
Note: I am not sure if it is something like the changing of seasons or an increased amount of pollen entering my lungs as a result of increased blossoming, but I know there is something that is not as it should be and I am currently dissecting my personal fibers and inspecting them for defects.
I am the person who is generally considered non-commital. Or something. Or what people thought/told others I am. And then I was not that person or I altered a mindset or I ‘fell in love’ or I felt like one entire person. And then I was dependent and happy. And then I wanted to romanticize that forever was the goal but she wouldn’t let me. But she was being silly and I was serious.
(part i)
If I am
no longer, a wolf, that is, nor
man.
then I must be a swan,
cause I feel as a bird
on a lake or in a puddle or
something with a
long neck, in another
neck twisted
that is also a swan but it
is my swan.
(part ii)
how does it look when two
swans mate, is it obvious
that they
are having sex, with
mammalistic convulsions
or something
more like a dance,
coordinated and/or careful
and sometimes graceful
and sometimes they mess up and laugh about it.
(part iii)
we were swans but now we are explosions
we were swans but now we are explosions
we were swans but now we are explosions
(part iv)
as two swans once felt
infinite as explosions,
they are again
returned to their previous
swan form, all swans
are birthed of wolves.
I was awoken from my dream as I fell out of my bed and smacked my eye against the metal toy truck that I had left on the floor and I started bleeding. I ran into my mother’s room with blood all over my face and she said she thought I was blind. We went to the hospital and they put more stitches in my face.
Lol not a raid
Just cops
Reg cops
Fat old hilarious cops
Ones that were cool and smoked mad cigs
Little whiny asshole ones
Big sassy black ones
They came in and said ‘what is this is this some sort of commune?’
and we said ‘lol’
They knocked on our doors and told us to ‘get the fuck out.’
and we did and they looked at the IDs.
But I didn’t, I walked out the back
or the front, really
Thought I have ‘something to protect.’
Before that, I may/may not have been
Harriet Tubman
the drinking gourd is the back/front door
For those who are not old enough to drink adult drinks.
Said ‘Go left.’ and they ‘went right.’
I was running after my brother and he slammed a door in my face and I smacked my head against the door and split my chin and fell over and bled all over the carpet. I had to go to the doctor and get more stitches in my face.
She said: ‘Feel like our relationship is dying a little.
He got scared and that burny feeling and called her but she denied the phone call. He knew because it only rang twice.
She said: Brushing my teeth.
‘That’s a lot to say, especially in a text
and then he said: I don’t agree, now I’m worried
and then he said: Call me when done?
‘Bc I haven’t seen you in a long time and we don’t text anymore
and then she said: I’ll call you tomorrow. I might just be drunk
‘I would like to talk now please.
and then he said: I’m working tomorrow
‘I don’t want to whisper on the phone or wake anyone up
‘This is not a fair thing to bring up and not be able to talk about
and then he said: Do you want to break up?
‘What? Why would I? Do you?
and then she said: I can’t, it’s dead quiet at my house. Forget what I said.
‘I think I have a problem with being clingy so im thinking of staying here an extra week.
‘You think that will help? Are you clingy?
‘I feel clingy right now
‘It’s just because you miss me. I feel emotionally dependent too, I don’t think it’s bad. I really don’t want to wait another week.
‘But if you need to I understand
’:) going to sleep for real this time, night
He went to work in the morning and it took a long time because no one had gone outside to clear the driveway. He also had to argue with his sister about getting the car. It was owned by their father but she drove it more so she considered it ‘hers’. He was frustrated when he was very late to work because of those two things. They texted a couple of times about how she thought she was clingy, and he thought that clingy within a relationship could be good, but he really meant slightly emotionally dependent. He assumed there was hyperbole involved, but she did not. He figured this out when she said:
‘I’m def not clingy. Just googled it
‘Well maybe it’s cause this relationship is special. Feels special. Also don’t think that staying home another week will ‘cure’ you, think you’ll just be sadder
and then he said: ‘What does googster say?
‘Too much to type
‘Well then what are you?
‘Also think its too soon to be calling it special.
and then she said: ‘Adapting to being home + bored
‘Why too soon for special?
‘Bc it’s only been 3 months haha
‘Feel like that quality is not based on length of time. Feel like you’ve been more cynical lately
‘Ok, idk
‘Sorry. Not trying to hurt your feelings, and I could be wrong, I mean it’s all based on inferences from txts.
‘Why do you keep taking pictures of me?
‘Because I feel at some point in my life I am going to be happy that I am documenting this moment.
From hours of constant wood-burning, the interior of the cabin and all of their belongings had begun to smell of smoke. He sat at the window with a four-track recorder thinking that he was to emerge from this weekend away with a masterpiece. She was reading on the bed, but the book was vulgar and she was thinking about stopping. He came over to the bed and lay next to her.
‘Break?
‘Yeah. I got some stuff done though.
I said hi and she said hi and I said lets hang out
and she said yeah and I said where and she said dunno
so I said okay and she said lets get beer and go to a park.
I said which park and she said I don’t know this is fishtown
and I said I used to live here and let’s go to the fireman park
so she said okay and we walked there and we drank beers.
I asked what does Russia mean to you and she said I don’t know
and I said Siberia is important to me and she said really and I said yeah
we drank the beers and then she said let’s walk back and then Jay came home
and I said let’s hang out with Jay and she said okay.
Jay asked what we were doing and I said hanging out and she said
my name is Vika and he said my name is Jay and then we talked about fighting
and then I said we should go and Jay said okay and we left
I said I had a great time and she said me too.
Excerpt from ‘Snow & Dog’
‘It’s probably best if we go on our hands and knees. That way we won’t fall through.
‘What?
‘Like this.
‘Oh, okay.
Three people were creeping across the snow that was probably four or five feet deep and frozen on top. It was hard to tell how far the ground was from the surface. They were making their way towards the river, having recently walked through a rather villagy street of the city they were in. They were making their way to the river because the photographer from France was taking pictures.
Looking out across the river, it was hard to tell where it ended and the other bank began. The river itself had been frozen for about four months, many said it was frozen to the bottom. ‘They’ll probably have to blow it up’ one old lady on the street had said. There was a lot of snow on the river. It didn’t look like a river at all, just more snow. It was white and white and white. The sky was a little bit gray.
The girl tried to stand up and her foot sank about two feet into the snow. She laughed and looked at the other two. She pulled her foot out and her boot was stuck and her legging was covered in snow. She steadied herself on the shoulder of the boy in order to brush off the snow and put her boot back on. Then she pointed towards the river.
‘See? Nothing.
The boy and the photographer nodded silently.
Near the river the snow had become hard enough to walk on. They stood up and started walking north along what would normally be the bank, back in the direction of town. The girl walked fastest and the photographer walked behind her. The boy tried to take a picture of the whiteness on his camera phone. It didn’t turn out so well.
He walked faster to catch up with the other two. In the meantime the photographer had started taking pictures of some trees. His camera would click maybe once a minute. Slow.
The boy looked at the girl and she was already looking at him. Then she turned her head away and looked at the river. Then she looked at the ground.
‘Do you like this place?
‘Yeah, it’s beautiful. I can’t believe I live here and I’ve never seen this.
‘I know lots of places like this one. I can take you there.
The camera clicked behind them.
‘I want to take you more places like this, but alone.
‘Why alone?
‘So it will be just us.
She looked at him when she told him she said it would be just them. He looked at her and then he looked away. Then she walked over and put her head on his shoulder. She breathed two or three times and the cloud of her breath mixed with his and became a larger breath cloud.
‘You know I like you.
‘I know.
‘You don’t want to be with me?
‘I can’t
‘Why not?
‘You know.
She kissed him and he let her. She looked at him again, kissed him again. He turned towards where the photographer had been.
The photographer had walked farther north without their noticing. A dog came out of the forest and started barking at him. The photographer backed up and looked at the other two. They ran up to him and looked at the dog. The girl looked at the dog closely.
‘It’s a girl, it probably just has puppies somewhere. Just keep walking and she’ll leave us alone.
They walked and the dog kept barking. They were silent and the dog’s barks were very loud. The boy felt very nervous. The girl did not feel nervous but she was a little sad. The photographer thought he took one or two really good pictures. Then the dog went away once they had walked far enough.
Photo: Helen Stuhr-Rommereim (site)
They were in the library because she had needed to go to the bathroom and because he wanted to see if his ID was still able to check out books. It was, so he searched for ‘The foundation pit’ and went upstairs to where it was supposed to be. He climbed the stairs and wrote her a text message.
‘Third floor west stacks in the Ps.
‘Ps is east.
‘I know, I meant Ps like plural.
She found him while he was searching for his book, but he couldn’t find it. He did have two others in his hand. They went over to the other side because there was a writer that she thought he’d like. They talked about books they liked and about how he could never remember the books he wanted from the library once he was there.
‘I think you might be smarter than me.
‘I don’t think so. Why?
‘Because you remember the books you want from the library.
‘It’s only because I write them down.
‘Yeah, but you have a system, I don’t have a system.
‘Are these pomegranates any good?
‘I don’t know. Let me look.
She said ‘How do you pick out pomegranates?’
‘I think you just make sure they’re red. I don’t know really. I guess you really should open them, but I don’t want to open up all your merchandise.
‘How many do you think we should get?
‘Probably like five. I like Pomegranates. I’ll probably eat about five.
‘Okay. Get some.
‘Where are these from?
She said ‘Someone’s backyard’.
